Making a fool…

So, unfortunately I am in the place of the “in-between” in relationships. You know- the time when you have left your last crazy significant and entered into the land of no love interest.

It’s such a special time, a time when you get to reflect on all of your dating errors, those interesting choices that you made.  And best of all, the time to obsess about the “great white buffalo”.  You know… the ones that got away.

In order to not give energy to the last person I broke up with, I’ve been obsessing over the “great white buffalo”. Wow… while I would not refer to him as a buffalo, it is difficult to describe the emotionality of him.  In some realm of my brain instead of thinking about the last relationship and giving it energy, thinking that perhaps by giving it energy it might revive it’s dramatic, roller coaster like flair; that I would give energy to a sexually dynamic relationship that I had over a year ago with a different, dramatic, emotionally unavailable man. (Yes perhaps an avoidance of one bad relationship for another?)

So, what’s great about the old relationship is that HE really loves the attention.  And I really enjoyed the sex… and before the sex began we had great repartee.  However… what began as playful over time became veiled and unhappy comments regarding our relationships or mutual distrust of one another.

That is what is so unfortunate about MY brain.  My memory of him begins with the great sex, great repartee, and then it takes this pause (yes probably for dramatic effect or just in order to remember the good bits).

He’s good though at getting me to remember though.  Not even 24 hours. (For the bad bits of “us”.) I make a fool of myself.  He becomes an ass and reminds me that he is really not a nice person.  And again, I still make a fool of myself.    We really have an unfortunate, toxic impact on one another.

Did I mention I make an ASS of myself?

Have you had this?  I’d like to say he’s my first, but he is not the first man that has made me an emotional, obstinate, immature little girl.

A wise man, my father, told me to avoid these types of relationships in my life.  That these butterfly, irrational emotions are not what love is about, not real love.

Interestingly, he was not incredibly successful at taking his own advice, which might be why it is difficult for me to curtail these relationships efficiently- or for the love of whatever- become involved with a stable being who I have some passion toward.  No, this last bit has eluded me.

I am not just looking for a “nice man”.  I am also looking for an intelligent man.  A man with wit.  A man with some experience.  A man not afraid to jump out front and take the lead.  But a man still concerned with my tastes and preferences.  A man open to experiences and people.

So – I’d love to give you some take home advice.  Perhaps learn from my experience and just RUN when you feel that unsettled, excited feeling in your belly when you meet someone.  It means RUN or perhaps your last meal was spoilt.

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